Announcement

You are now reading the special bulletin of The Al-Qaeda Times. First of all, we would like to clarify that this bulletin and its contents were pre-approved by the United States of America and hence we cannot be held liable to any misquotes or wrong facts given here.

We are extremely saddened by the loss of our valiant leader, Mr. Osama bin Mohammed bin Awad bin Laden, at the hands of the U.S. forces. We would also like to clarify that our Pakistani brothers did not have any information about us being here in Pakistan. We were happy to be staying right next to the Pakistan Military Academy. This gave us a chance to learn new techniques and also to watch IPL cricket daily at their canteen. But, like we said, they did not know that OBL was, well… OBL… So that’s that! O.K.? No more questions on that!

So since OBL is dead (he he! You wish!), we are now under the able leadership of Mr. Ayman Muhammad Rabaie al-Zawahiri. It is not that he is not fit for the job, but we are looking for some fresh blood (don’t get us wrong, we mean a person with fresh views) to bring AQ back to its full glory. So if you have the below qualities, please do apply to join us and lead us.

Requirements and Qualifications:

1. Must most certainly know fluent English, but should never use it unless communicating with “handlers” (Read C.I.A.)

2. Must act like you hate Americans. Can also show anger towards most European countries

3. Must NOT know the true meaning of Jihad and Islam

4. Must be able to convince youngsters to join our side – using whatever means necessary – includes money, women, false promises, etc..

5. Must have a beard – natural – no stage props allowed, sorry - we tried that once and it did not quite work out

6. Must be able to talk Arabic in such a way as to make it sound dangerous

7. Must have contacts at Al-Jazeera, who can recommend your resume

8. A recommendation from anyone within the Bush Administration will be highly preferred.

9. You should be willing to work weekends

10. You should be willing to blow yourself up if need be

Please note – You do not have to be a Muslim to apply for the job, because we are just a bunch of madmen who do not know where we are from or what we want. Life is a big party. Just “google” Islam and learn the basics. Just to help Mr. Obama reach closer to those damn oilwells.

The Real Deal:

1. We are well-supplied with food, drinks, women, and all other facilities imaginable. All made in and imported from the U.S.A.

2. As soon as you blow yourself up, you will go to Jannat a.k.a Paradise.

3. This paradise is PIMPED UP for you, brah! Here you will be supplied with 72 virgin women* - purely for your entertainment.

(* conditions apply – depends on how quickly you blow yourself up. If you wait too long you may have to compromise on either the 72 part, or the virgin part, or maybe even the women part of the deal - God save Osama!)

4. Indian nationals cannot apply for this job as this requires you to be in Pakistan most of the time and they are not very, err... fond of you...

5. Also, after you become shaheed, we promise to take care of your family for you (they will most probably be the Jannat on earth for those of us left behind)

Bonus benefits:

1. You can rule for atleast the next 10 years as the FBI’s most wanted man

2. You can meet most U.S. officials directly and feast with them

3. Safe and free travel to almost any part of the world

4. After 10-15 years, the U.S. will kill somebody who will not even resemble you, and then put you right next to the White House, and then life is just a big party.

So, do you have it in you to meet these simple requirements? If so, please apply at the earliest by emailing your picture and profile to the White House and CIA email ids. You will go through rigorous training and development sessions handled personally by Mr. Robert Gates – do not miss the opportunity of a lifetime.

Come join us! If you party, party like at Al-Qaeda!!!

The Editor

The Al-Qaeda Times

This post is inspired by the following documentaries:

1. Loose Change – 9/11 An American Coup (2009)

2. Where in the World is Osama Bin Laden (2008)

3. Zeitgeist – The Movie (2007)

Disclaimer: This blog has no ulterior motives and does not intend to offend people of any caste, religion, state, or country. This is just fiction!